Motivation: That Elusive Unicorn of Parenting

Some mornings, it feels like everything is a battle. Getting out the door, brushing teeth, starting homework, finishing chores... you name it. You ask, they groan. You remind, they vanish. You offer to help, they act like you’ve suggested something wildly unreasonable—like emptying the dishwasher and breathing at the same time.

The kicker? It’s usually not even a hard task. You’re not asking them to solve a Rubik’s cube blindfolded. You're just trying to get a sock on a foot. Or a plate into a dishwasher. Or—dare we dream?—a backpack zipped without a lecture on how backpacks are, apparently, “useless and bad for shoulders.”

And yet… no dice.

It’s easy to think, “My kid just isn’t motivated.” And honestly? Sometimes that’s true.

But here’s the thing I wish someone had told me earlier: motivation isn’t a fixed trait. It's not something your kid either has or doesn’t. It's not buried deep inside them waiting to be discovered by a Disney song montage.

Motivation is something you can actually create.

And in ABA, we call that contriving motivation. It’s not magic. It’s not manipulation. It’s just learning how to set up the environment in a way that makes doing the thing more likely—because something valuable comes after, or because you’ve made the task a bit less awful, or because you’ve handed them a little control over how it happens.

It’s about playing the long game—nudging things into place so that the desired behavior is the easiest, most appealing choice in that moment. Even if that moment is 7:58 a.m. and the school bell rings in two minutes.

So let’s break it down.

Motivation vs Reinforcement (Quick Refresher)

You’ve probably already read or heard a bit about reinforcement—basically, when a behaviour leads to a consequence that makes it more likely to happen again.

But here’s the wrinkle: reinforcement only works if your kid cares about the thing they’re getting.

That’s where motivation comes in.

Motivation is what makes the reinforcer actually reinforcing. If your kid just ate a huge snack, offering a cookie for cleaning up probably won’t land. If your teen has had six hours of screen time already, promising “more screen time” to get them to do homework is… unlikely to spark joy.

So when we say “contrive motivation,” we’re really talking about how to make the reinforcer matter right now, in this moment, for this task.

Let’s get into the how.

Important crumb-y bits down there. Me suggest you scroll before me eat them!

1. Make the Good Stuff Conditional (But Not Weird About It)

If the reinforcer is always available—screens, snacks, toys, whatever your kid’s into—they have no reason to do anything to earn it. It’s like offering someone a gold star for breathing.

This doesn’t mean you should lock away the tablet like it’s crown evidence. It just means that access to the good stuff comes after the thing you need them to do.

• “Sure, you can have your screen time—right after you take out the recycling.”

• “Yes, snack time! Let’s pick up first.”

And no, this isn’t bribery. Bribery is what you offer during a meltdown to make it stop. This is reinforcement (please see my previous blog on "Reinforcement: No. It's not a bribe!"). It’s planned. It’s predictable. It’s the “this is how our house works” system.

If you’re thinking “Wow, that sounds boringly consistent,” yes. Yes, it is. And it works.

2. Don’t Make It Miserable

Sometimes the task is just… unappealing. Especially when you’re six and being asked to match socks. Or fifteen and being asked to write an essay on symbolism in Merchant of Venice.

You can’t always make the task fun, but you can usually make it less awful.

• Turn it into a race against a timer.

• Let them blast music while doing it.

• Offer to do part of it with them (then back off once they get going).

It’s not about tricking them into loving chores. It’s about lowering the “ugh” factor enough that they’re willing to give it a go.

3. Use Choices Like a Jedi

I have a whole theory how reinforcement is like the force. "Surrounds us. Binds us." I will save that for another blog. ;)

When kids feel like they have no control, they resist. Hard. Even if what you’re asking is reasonable, the lack of autonomy triggers that beautiful, time-honoured response: “You can’t make me.”

Choices sidestep that. They give your child a sense of control within boundaries you’ve already set.

• “Do you want to start with math or reading?”

• “You can clean your room now or after lunch. What works better?”

• “You want to take a shower before or after watching your show?”

The goal isn’t to give them total freedom—it’s to let them steer the ship you’ve already charted.

4. Start Small. Like, Really Small.

Motivation tends to go up when tasks feel doable. And a lot of the time, our kids aren’t saying “no” because they’re lazy—they’re saying “no” because it feels too big or vague.

“Clean your room” can mean five different things depending on the day and the kid. And that ambiguity? Instant shutdown.

Try:

• “Let’s start with picking up the dirty laundry.”

• “Can you move the dishes to the sink?”

• “Just write one sentence. Then let’s check in.”

Once they start, momentum takes over. This isn’t a trick—this is how brains work. And yeah, it works on adults, too. (Ask me about the number of times I’ve gone to just put away some dishes and then ended up scrubbing the whole kitchen.)

5. Pair Yourself With the Good Stuff

Orange Mocha Frappuccino!

In ABA, we talk about “pairing” a lot—it just means creating a positive association with you, or the activity, or both. So your presence doesn’t automatically signal “Ugh, time to do something I hate.” In counselling, it is often referred to as rapport building.

You don’t have to become a clown or motivational speaker. Just be present, positive, and maybe a little silly—before making the request.

• Chat about something they like for a minute before starting a chore.

• Join in at the beginning of a tough task.

• Give a high-five or a “you got this” instead of diving straight into the to-do list.

You’re not making the job disappear—you’re just lowering the temperature before turning on the heat.

What About Teenagers?

Teenagers are still very much reward-driven creatures, but you’ve got to be more subtle about it—or risk the dreaded eye-roll.

They’re not going to clean their room for stickers, but they might do it to earn:

• Extra time out with friends

• A later curfew

• Driving privileges

• Their phone not being a decorative item on top of the fridge

And yes, all the same principles apply:

• Reserve the good stuff until the work is done.

• Offer choices wherever possible.

• Break down tasks.

• Respect their space (and their playlist choices, within reason).

Pro tip: Letting them earn more of something they already value often lands better than threatening to take it away. Motivation goes up, power struggle goes down.

Final Thoughts: Motivation Is Just One More Thing We Can Build

It’s easy to feel stuck when your child (or teen) doesn’t seem to care. But motivation isn’t something you wait around for—it’s something you can create through small, steady changes to your routines and expectations.

It doesn’t mean everything will be smooth. It just means you’re not flying blind.

You’ve got tools now:

• Use reinforcement intentionally.

• Make tasks approachable.

• Offer choices that still serve your goal.

• Keep the good stuff valuable.

• And maybe—just maybe—reframe “lack of motivation” as a puzzle to solve, not a flaw in your kid.

Just remember: motivation is a skill, not magic. But hey, if magic shows up, use that too.

"Pass on what you have learned."

Routines, Rhythms, and Reinforcement: The Behavioural Science Behind Bedtime Success

Spring has sprung—and with it comes flowers blooming, birds chirping at aggressively early hours, and your child insisting it’s “not bedtime yet” because the sun is still wide awake. If bedtime at your house has become a nightly tug-of-war, take heart. There’s a science to the madness—and a solution in the form of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) paired with your child’s natural circadian rhythm.

Let’s dive in. (No need for more caffeine—this will be easier to follow than your kid’s bedtime routine, promise.)

What Is a Circadian Rhythm—and Why Should You Care?

Your circadian rhythm is your body’s internal clock—a 24-hour cycle that helps regulate sleep, wakefulness, hormones, appetite, and more. In kids (and grown-ups), this rhythm is heavily influenced by light exposure, routine, and timing. It’s why we feel sleepy at night and alert in the morning (ideally), and why your toddler starts bouncing off the walls if you try to skip nap time.

But here’s the catch: if your child’s schedule is all over the place—bedtime at 8 p.m. one night, 10 p.m. the next—their circadian rhythm doesn’t know whether to power down or throw a dance party. Enter ABA strategies to help bring order to the chaos.

Think of it like gardening in spring: you need sunlight, water, and consistency for things to grow. Same goes for sleep habits. And ABA gives us the tools to “train” the brain and body to expect rest at the right time.

1. Use Cues to Align with the Body Clock

(Discriminative Stimuli + Circadian Rhythm = Bedtime Magic)

In ABA, a discriminative stimulus (SD) is a fancy term for a cue that tells your child a certain behavior (like getting into bed) is likely to be reinforced (like snuggles, stories, or morning pancakes). When these cues are consistent and timed right, they can help entrain (fancy word for “sync”) your child’s circadian rhythm to a regular bedtime.

How to Use It:

• Visual cues: Dim the lights 30–60 minutes before bed. This mimics the natural decrease in daylight, triggering melatonin production. Melatonin is the brain’s way of saying, “Let’s wind this party down.”

  
  

• Auditory cues: A calming bedtime playlist, white noise machine, or even your voice reading Goodnight Moon for the 437th time can become powerful SDs. Repetition = rhythm.

  
  

• Physical Cues: Warm bath, pajamas, brushing teeth: These are the classic cues that help signal the day is winding down. But hey, we’re not saying use THESE specific cues—get creative and have fun! Whether it’s brushing teeth, daily affirmations, pajamas, or... pretending to get the favorite stuffie, toutou or doudou down for bed (yep, we've done that too!). When done consistently and in the same order, they become like mini-checkpoints for the brain: “Oh, we’re here? That means sleep is coming.”

  
  
  
  

  

  
  

💡Science Moment: When environmental cues are repeated at the same time each evening, they strengthen the body’s timekeeping system. It’s like setting an internal alarm without needing a snooze button.

2. Build a Sleep-Friendly Routine

(Because You Can’t Outsmart Biology… But You Can Work With It)

The goal here is to ease your child out of “go-go-go” mode and into “shhhhhh” mode. A predictable, low-stimulation bedtime routine helps bridge the gap between daily chaos and rest, guiding the circadian rhythm into sleep territory.

How to Use It:

• Start at the same time every night: Yes, even on weekends. Regular timing helps anchor the circadian rhythm, which loves routine almost as much as toddlers love asking “Why?”

  
  

• Choose calming activities: Think reading, cuddling, or a quick family “gratitude moment.” Avoid screen time during this period—blue light delays melatonin release. And no one wants a 9 p.m. Mario Kart rematch.

  
  

• Create a bedtime chart: A visual schedule (brush teeth → pajamas → story → lights out) reinforces routine. Visual prompts are great for kids who respond better to pictures than to your fifth verbal prompt of “Let’s get ready for bed.”

  
  

  

🌱 Spring Tie-In: Just like flowers bloom better with consistent sun and water, kids sleep better with predictable routines and timing. Wild tulips don’t thrive on chaos, and neither do kids.

3. Reinforce the Behavior You Want to See

(Yes, Even at Bedtime!)

Behaviour is built on reinforcement: when you reward behavior, it’s more likely to happen again. Sleep and the actions in the routine ARE behaviour. And let’s be honest—who doesn’t want a little positive feedback at the end of a long day?

How to Use It:

• Immediate praise: Catch your child following the routine and call it out. “You got your jammies on the first time I asked—that’s awesome!” The sooner the praise follows the behavior, the better the learning.

  
  

• Tokens, charts, and incentives: Sticker charts or token systems work well for some kids. They see progress and work toward a fun goal (like a weekend movie night or an extra bedtime story).

  
  

• Natural rewards: The real reward here is better sleep—but that’s a long-game reinforcement. Short-term? Snuggles, high-fives, or a morning muffin dance party will do just fine.

  
  

  

  
  

🔬 Why It Works: The brain is wired to seek out reinforcement. Dopamine (the feel-good neurotransmitter) gets released when behavior leads to reward. That positive feedback loop? It’s behavior science in bloom.

4. Fade Your Support (Like Homer Avoiding Ned)

It’s totally normal to support your child as they learn new bedtime behaviors, but eventually, you want them to fall asleep independently. This is where “fading” comes in. Think of it like Homer Simpson slowly backing away from Ned Flanders in the bushes—at first, you're right there helping out, but over time, you gradually start fading your presence so your child can do more on their own. It's all about giving them the tools to succeed and eventually taking a step back (without a dramatic exit, of course).

How to Use It:

• Begin with full presence: Maybe you sit beside them or rub their back as they fall asleep. However, don't feel obligated to stay until they are asleep- stay until they are calm and sleepy. This will allow them to complete the final process of falling asleep independently. And you leaving the room quietly is another cue you can create for their body to recognize, time to sleep now.

  
  

• Gradually fade: Each night, move a little farther from the bed—eventually sitting by the door, then outside the room, then cheering from your couch as they fall asleep solo.

  
  

• Reinforce independence: “You stayed in bed all by yourself last night. I’m so proud of you!”

  
  

🌙 Circadian Connection: Independent sleep habits allow the body’s natural clock to take over without external crutches. Kids learn to trust their own rhythms, which promotes deeper, more restful sleep.

5. Stay Consistent—Even When the Clock Springs Forward

Ah yes, Daylight Saving Time: because nothing says “well-regulated body clock” like randomly skipping an hour of sleep. But regardless of what the clocks say, consistency is your anchor.

How to Use It:

• Stick to bedtime and wake-up time: The body doesn’t know (or care) about your smart thermostat’s time update. A steady schedule helps reinforce your child’s sleep-wake rhythm—even when the time change throws everything else into chaos.

  
  

• Use natural light in the morning: Open the blinds early! Sunlight in the morning is the body’s cue to reset the circadian clock. Think of it as nature’s alarm clock, minus the snooze button.

  
  

• Stay patient: Circadian rhythms take time to adjust. Your child might be extra cranky during transitions. It’s okay. Keep the routine steady, and the rhythm will catch up.

  
  

🧘 Dry Humor Bonus: Remember, even circadian rhythms need a few days to ‘spring forward.’ So if you’re feeling behind, don’t worry—you’re just in sync with your body’s natural sense of ‘I’ll do it tomorrow.’ Honestly, this blog is only being released now (and not a month ago) because we’ve been trying to catch up with our own sleep cycles.

So, you know, we get it. ;)

WAIT!!

But What Do I Do if They Wake Up or Get Out of Bed??

(a.k.a. Midnight Mayhem and the Art of the Bedtime Reboot)

So, you followed the routine. You dimmed the lights, read the story, sang the lullaby, gave the snuggle, and tiptoed out like a bedtime ninja. Success! Until... thump-thump-thump, tiny feet down the hallway. It’s 2:00 a.m. and your child appears beside your bed like a sleep-deprived ghost whispering, “I can’t sleeeep.”

First: deep breath. Second: don’t panic.

Night wakings are totally normal—especially for young kids whose circadian rhythms are still maturing (and possibly fueled by whatever mysterious toddler energy source powers them).

Here’s the good news: you already have a plan! It’s just time to revisit the final steps of your bedtime routine—the same ones that cued your child’s brain for sleep the first time around.

Why This Works:

Those last steps in your bedtime routine—the low lighting, soft music, warm blanket, maybe even a short cuddle or phrase like “It’s time to rest now”—are all discriminative stimuli (SDs)- Remember that term from earlier??

In simpler terms: they’re the signals your child’s brain has learned to associate with sleepytime mode. And in the middle of the night, when their body clock is off or they’re startled awake, those same cues can help reset the pattern.

Think of it like restarting your phone when it glitches. Only instead of holding the power button, you’re humming “Twinkle Twinkle” and pulling up the blankets.

How to Use It (Without Losing Your Mind):

• Stay calm and predictable: Avoid turning on bright lights or engaging in lots of talking. Too much stimulation can send the wrong message to the brain: “Oh! Are we starting the day now?” (Answer: No. No, we are not.)

  
  

• Quietly guide them back to bed: Gently lead them back to their room using minimal interaction. You can say something like, “It’s still night time. Let’s do our bedtime steps again.”

  
  

• Replay a mini bedtime routine: Reuse the last 1–2 steps from your original routine. This might be:

  • Turning on their white noise or lullaby

  • Tucking them in with their comfort item

  • Using a specific bedtime phrase like “Time for your cozy sleep”

  • Giving a short back rub or a kiss on the forehead

    
    

• Be consistent: Even at 2 a.m., try to follow the same response every time. Kids learn through repetition and will begin to associate these sleepy SDs with calm, secure return-to-sleep behavior.

  
  
  
  

🧠 Science Break: Reintroducing sleep cues helps the brain re-enter a sleep-ready state. Remember, circadian rhythms are guided not just by light and time, but by repeated behaviors. The more consistently these cues are paired with sleep, the stronger the brain’s association becomes.

🌛 Bonus: You’re also reducing the chance that waking up becomes reinforcing (i.e., something they get attention or novelty from). When the response is quiet, predictable, and boringly loving, there’s no extra motivation to keep repeating the behavior.

Final Thoughts: Let Sleep Bloom, Naturally

Helping your child get good sleep isn’t just about stopping the bedtime chaos—it’s about working with their biology. Circadian rhythms thrive on regularity. ABA strategies like consistent cues, routines, reinforcement, and fading support help guide your child toward better sleep while keeping your evenings a little more peaceful (and maybe even enjoyable).

So as you sweep off the porch, pack away the snow gear, and trade in hot chocolate for lemonade, take the opportunity to refresh your family’s sleep habits too. Your child’s internal clock—and your own—will thank you.

Because while the birds are chirping and the flowers are blooming, all I really want is one uninterrupted hour of Netflix and a snack I don’t have to share.

Sweet dreams.

Autism Awareness Month in Ontario: Understanding, Acceptance, and the Role of ABA

April is Autism Awareness Month in Ontario—a time to celebrate the diverse and vibrant autistic community, advocate for meaningful support, and reflect on the evolving journey of autism services, including Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA).

April 2nd is World Autism Day.

As a Registered Behaviour Analyst, I have the privilege of working alongside individuals on the spectrum, their families, and dedicated professionals who strive to create inclusive, supportive environments. Over the years, I’ve witnessed both the challenges and the triumphs, and I want to take a moment to acknowledge the progress we’ve made while recognizing the work that still lies ahead.

A Brief History of Autism

Autism has always been part of the human experience, though its recognition as a distinct condition is relatively recent. The term "autism" was first introduced in the early 20th century, but it wasn’t until the 1940s that researchers like Leo Kanner and Hans Asperger began to describe what we now understand as Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).

The criteria and diagnostic label have changed significantly over the years.

In the decades that followed, our understanding of autism has shifted dramatically—from outdated theories blaming parenting styles to recognizing autism as a neurodevelopmental condition with a broad and diverse spectrum of presentations. Today, we emphasize strengths-based perspectives, inclusion, and self-advocacy, ensuring that autistic voices are at the forefront of conversations about autism support and services.

Autism Awareness vs. Autism Acceptance

For years, Autism Awareness Month focused on making the public more aware of autism. While awareness is still important, the conversation has evolved to emphasize acceptance. Awareness is knowing autism exists; acceptance is creating a world where autistic individuals are valued, included, and supported in ways that respect their unique needs.

Ontario has made strides in this direction, though families, self-advocates, and professionals continue to push for improvements in funding, accessibility, and individualized support. One of the key components of autism services in Ontario is ABA therapy, which has been both a source of support and a topic of discussion within the autism community.

The Role of ABA in Autism Support

Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA) has been a cornerstone of autism services for decades. It is an evidence-based approach that focuses on understanding behaviour and using individualized strategies to teach new skills, improve communication, and support independence.

Over time, ABA has evolved significantly. Early forms of ABA were rigid and focused primarily on eliminating behaviours, but today’s ABA emphasizes individualized, compassionate, and flexible approaches that align with the unique strengths and needs of each person. Modern ABA prioritizes collaboration, dignity, and respect, ensuring that therapy supports meaningful goals set by the individual and their family.

Compassionate care prioritizes the dignity, autonomy, and well-being of an individual.

The Impact of Autism on ABA—and on Me

Interestingly, just as ABA has shaped autism support, autism advocacy has also shaped ABA. Over the years, autistic self-advocates have voiced concerns about how ABA is practiced, leading to necessary shifts in approach. There has been a move toward naturalistic, play-based, and person-centered ABA, moving away from strict compliance-based methods. Today, many ABA professionals work alongside autistic individuals to refine and improve practices, ensuring therapy is supportive, ethical, and beneficial.

But beyond shaping the field, working with autistic individuals and their families has profoundly shaped me as a person. It has refined my skills—not only in my ABA practice but in everyday communication. My nonverbal clients have taught me to be more attuned to body language, gestures, and subtle cues that often say more than words ever could. Perspective-taking has taken on a whole new meaning as I work to understand the thought processes behind certain behaviours, realizing that every action has a reason, even if it’s not immediately clear.

More than anything, working within this community has deepened my empathy. I see the resilience of families navigating systems that are still catching up, the daily struggles of individuals who are expected to conform to a world that doesn’t always accommodate them, and the small yet significant victories that deserve to be celebrated.

Ironically, as ABA aims to help autistic individuals reach their unique potential, I feel that working with this community has helped me work toward my own. Every day, I learn, grow, and strive to be a better version of myself—because the individuals and families I work with inspire me to do so.

ABA in Ontario: Challenges and Progress

Ontario has a unique landscape when it comes to autism services. The Ontario Autism Program (OAP) has undergone significant changes in recent years, impacting funding and access to ABA. Families often face long waitlists, financial barriers, and inconsistent services depending on where they live.

Despite these challenges, ABA professionals in Ontario continue to advocate for high-quality, ethical, and accessible services. We are seeing increased collaboration between ABA providers, educators, speech-language pathologists, occupational therapists, and, most importantly, autistic individuals themselves. This teamwork helps create holistic, well-rounded supports that go beyond behaviour to foster independence, self-advocacy, and meaningful engagement in the community.

Moving Forward: What Can We Do?

Autism Awareness Month is more than just a time to wear blue or share facts—it’s a chance to actively contribute to a more inclusive Ontario. Here’s how we can all help:

1. Listen to autistic voices – Whether it’s reading books by autistic authors, following autistic self-advocates on social media, or engaging in conversations, learning directly from autistic individuals is invaluable.

2. Advocate for better services – Continued improvements to the OAP, education supports, and employment opportunities require collective advocacy. Supporting policies that fund evidence-based, individualized services benefits the entire community.

3. Encourage acceptance and inclusion – Small changes, like using identity-affirming language, making workplaces more neurodivergent-friendly, and fostering inclusive classrooms, create a more welcoming society.

4. Support families and caregivers – Parenting a child with autism comes with unique joys and challenges. Offering understanding, resources, and emotional support can make a world of difference.

Final Thoughts

As we celebrate Autism Awareness (and Acceptance) Month in Ontario, let’s remember that our ultimate goal is a world where every autistic individual is respected, understood, and empowered. ABA is just one of many supports that, when practiced ethically and compassionately, can play a role in helping individuals reach their own unique potential. This April, let’s commit to learning, listening, and growing together—because when we embrace neurodiversity, we build a better, more inclusive world for everyone.